Psychological Theories of Love
Why do people fall in love? Why are some forms of love so lasting and others so fleeting? Psychologists and researchers have proposed several different theories of love to explain how love forms and endures. Love is a basic human emotion, but understanding how and why it happens is not necessarily easy. In fact, for a long time, many people suggested that love was simply something too primal, mysterious, and spiritual for science to ever fully understand.
Aman Kumar Singh
When God is your only friend?
Religious people who lack friends and purpose in life turn to God to fill those voids, according to new University of Michigan research. Belonging is related to a sense of purpose. When people feel like they do not belong or unsupported by their relationships, they consistently have a lower sense of purpose and direction in life, says lead author Todd Chan, a doctoral student in the U-M Department of Psychology. Chan and colleagues say that having a belief system that adequately "substitutes" for some of the functions of human relationships, like having a God that values and supports them, may allow socially disconnected people to restore some of this purpose. "For the socially disconnected, God may serve as a substitutive relationship that compensates for some of the purpose that human relationships would normally provide," Chan said. In three separate studies, the U-M researchers analyze the responses from 19,775 people who described their purpose in life, levels of loneliness, the quality of their friendships and religious beliefs. These beliefs generally provide social comfort. The research shows that seeing God as your friend when you are already socially connected actually provides minimal additional benefit for purpose in life. "In other words, people mostly benefit from leveraging religion and turning to God as a friend only when they lack supportive social connections," Chan said. This research also informs how people can cope with disconnection when other people are unavailable or unappealing. To feel less disconnected, people would ideally "get out there" and improve their social contacts, but this is not always feasible given that an inherent part of social disconnection is that people have poor relationships or are rejected, the researchers say. The new U-M study continues previous research showing that people who are socially disconnected are more likely to see human-like qualities in things like pets, imaginary beings and God. "Our research suggests, given two people who feel equally disconnected, the individual who feels more connected to God will have a better sense of purpose in life," said co-author Nicholas Michalak, a psychology graduate student. Although the results suggest that religion and God compensate for lost purpose in the socially disconnected, it did not restore purpose to a level comparable to that of people who are socially connected. "These results certainly do not suggest that people can or should rely on God over people for purpose," said co-author Oscar Ybarra, professor of psychology and faculty associate at the U-M Institute for Social Research. "Quality human connections still remain a primary and enduring source of purpose in life." In addition, the findings do not suggest that people who are socially disconnected are more likely to become religious if they were not already.
If pigeons were brilliant, would they flock?
Crowd panics, market bubbles, and other unpredictable collective behaviors would not happen if people were smart about these things and just thought through their behavior before they acted. Right? That's the perspective in economics, and even psychology and sociology. But a UC Davis researcher looked at how people behave in simple reasoning games and found that people are usually driven to "flock," or behave similarly to others in a given situation. Seth Frey, an assistant professor of communication at UC Davis, said this happens "even when people use the fancy reasoning processes that are supposed to make humans so special." Frey is lead author of an article, "Cognitive mechanisms for human flocking dynamics." The paper appeared in the Journal of Computational Social Science this month. "The basic idea is that we have this preconception about fads and panics and flocks and herds, that they are driven by our basest animal spirits, and that adding thoughtfulness or education or intelligence would make those things go away," Frey said. "This paper shows that people who are being thoughtful (specifically people who are doing dizzying 'what you think I think you think I think' reasoning) still get caught up in little flocks, in a way that the game they end up playing is driven less by what seems rational and more by what they think the others think they're going to do." Each game used in the study is based on a very different way of thinking and should have evoked different varieties of reasoning by players, Frey said. But they did not. The same sophisticated flocking behavior bore out in all three games. Flocking can be good or bad Researchers looked at the behavior of hundreds of players, who came from student and online pools, repeated for many rounds of the games over time. They analyzed behavior over high and low payoffs, over multiple populations and with very experienced players, with the well-known "Beauty Contest" game and two they devised for the research, "Mod Game" and "Runway Game," Frey said. Rules and methods of winning each game varied. In Beauty Contest, players receive a reward for guessing the number 0-100 whose number is closest to two-thirds the value of the average of all numbers submitted by all players. In the Mod Game, players choose an integer between 1 and 24. Players earn points by choosing a number precisely one above another's number, except that 1 beats 24, such as in Paper-Rock-Scissors, in that every number can get beaten by another. And in the Runway Game, players practice the same one-upmanship of the Mod Game, but they can choose literally any number, -1, a million, pi, anything. These subtle differences lead to big differences in theory, but they don't seem to matter to players, who get caught up in their group mates' flocking no matter what. Frey explained that flocking, in life, can be good or bad. It can be good for schools of fish, flocking birds, or team cyclists in a race -- where in each case group members gain a greater ability to obtain food, be safe or to win. But flocking can be undesirable in a stock market fall or a riot, for instance, where safety, survival or "winning" can be jeopardized. ." ..These games show that sophisticated human reasoning processes may be just as likely to drive the complex, often pathological, social dynamics that we usually attribute to reactive, emotional, nondeliberative reasoning," the researchers conclude. "In other words, human intelligence may as likely increase as decrease the complexity and unpredictability of social and economic outcomes."
Elevation in buildings can affect the decisions we
People rely on financial managers, doctors and lawyers to be as objective as possible when making decisions about investments, health and legal issues, but findings from a new study suggest that an unexpected factor could be influencing these choices. In a series of experiments, researchers found that people at higher elevations in an office building were more willing to take financial risks. The study is available online in the Journal of Consumer Psychology. "When you increase elevation, there is a subconscious effect on the sense of power," says lead author Sina Esteky, PhD, an assistant professor of marketing in the business school at Miami University. "This heighted feeling of power results in more risk-seeking behavior." In a pilot study, the researchers analyzed data from more than 3,000 hedge funds throughout the world that accounted for assets over $500 billion. They correlated the level of volatility of the fund with the floor level of the firm -- which ranged from the first to the 96th floor. The researchers found a slight but significant correlation between increased elevation and the volatility of the fund. Esteky's team also conducted experiments in which participants were asked to make a betting decision as they were either ascending or descending in the glass elevator of a tall building. The participants who were going up to the 72rd floor were more likely to opt for the risky lottery that could result in either a small or significant win. Those who were descending preferred the conservative lottery with either a moderate or slightly larger win. In another experiment, participants were either on the ground floor or third floor of a university building, and they were asked to make 10 decisions with differing levels of risk and payoff. Again, the researchers found that participants on the third floor more frequently chose risky options than their ground floor counterparts. To better understand the reason for this behavior, participants completed a series of unfinished words, and people on the third floor were more likely to create words associated with power than the participants on the ground floor. The researchers believe that increased power-related thoughts might explain how elevation affects risk preferences. Esteky suggests that elevation of an office building may be one reason certain hedge fund managers are willing to invest in risky assets such as Bitcoin, a cryptocurrency and worldwide payment system that is highly volatile. Although this study was limited to financial decisions, further studies could show whether the subconscious effect of elevation influences other professionals like doctors who are choosing treatment plans for patients, Esteky says. In another experiment, he discovered that people were more open to taking a sensory risk by trying an unfamiliar fruit when they were at a higher elevation in a building. Although the implications of these findings could be unsettling for consumers who are relying on themselves or paid experts to make rational choices, the elevation effect vanished when participants were informed that floor level influences behavior, Esteky explains. The effect also disappeared when people could not see that they were on a higher floor level, such as those in cubicles without a window view. "The important lesson is that when people become aware of the potential impact of elevation, it doesn't happen anymore," Esteky says. "The brain is very susceptive to subtle situational factors, but also really good at correcting for such effects, so awareness can help us be more rational in our decisions."
Animal images used in marketing may skew public
Many of the world's most charismatic animal species -- those that attract the largest interest and deepest empathy from the public -- are at high risk of extinction in part because many people believe their iconic stature guarantees their survival. A new international study published today in PLOS Biologysuggests that the popularity of tigers, lions, polar bears and others may actually contribute to the species' downfall. The researchers used a combination of online surveys, school questionnaires, zoo websites and animated films to identify the 10 most charismatic animals. The top three were tigers, lions and elephants, followed by giraffes, leopards, pandas, cheetahs, polar bears, gray wolves and gorillas. "I was surprised to see that although these 10 animals are the most charismatic, a major threat faced by nearly all of them is direct killing by humans, especially from hunting and snaring," said William Ripple, a distinguished professor of forest ecology at Oregon State University and a co-author on the study. "This killing by humans seems sadly ironic to me, as these are some of our most beloved wild animals." Many of these animals are so frequently depicted in pop culture and marketing materials that they may constitute a deceptive "virtual population" that is doing better in the media than in nature, noted lead author Franck Courchamp of the University of Paris. The researchers found, for example, that the average French citizen will see more virtual lions through photos, cartoons, logos and brands in one month than there are wild lions left in West Africa. "Unknowingly, companies using giraffes, cheetahs or polar bears for marketing purposes may be actively contributing to the false perception that these animals are not at risk of extinction, and therefore not in need of conservation," Courchamp said. In their paper, the researchers propose that companies using images of threatened species for marketing purposes provide information to promote their conservation, and perhaps part of their revenue for protection of the species. Endangered species conservation efforts are numerous, though splintered. The researchers note that 20 million Americans took to the streets in 1970 to demonstrate on the first Earth Day, but there hasn't been a similar mobilization for conservation since. Oregon State's Ripple said the concept of charismatic species is pervasive in conservation literature and the public may assume that efforts to ensure their survival are in place and successful. "Even much of the literature emphasizes the need to go beyond charismatic species and focus on the lesser known ones," Ripple said. "The public may be taking for granted that we're doing all we can to save them, when we don't even know for certain how many elephants, gorillas, or polar bears exist in the wild." The status of most of the top charismatic species is cause for alarm, Ripple pointed out. The abundance of tigers in the wild is estimated to be less than 7 percent of their historic number, and at least three sub-species -- Bali, Javan and Caspian tigers -- are now extinct. Lions are declining almost everywhere in Africa, with populations estimated to be at less than 8 percent of historic levels; only 175 individuals are thought to exist in Eurasia -- all of these are in India. The African forest elephant has declined by 62 percent in the last nine years, while savannah elephants are thought to be at less than 10 percent of their historic numbers -- mostly because of poaching. Fewer than 2,000 pandas remain, occupying less than 1 percent of their historic range and their future is uncertain because of climate change. "The top 10 charismatic animals are all mammals and include some of the largest carnivores and largest herbivores in the terrestrial world," Ripple said. "The fact that humans are also large mammals might explain why the public has a strong affinity for these 10 mammals -- it seems like people also love large animals much more than small ones." Nearly half (48.6 percent) of all the non-teddy bear stuffed animals sold in the United States on Amazon were one of the 10 charismatic animals, while in France some 800,000 "Sophie the giraffe" baby toys were sold in 2010 -- more than eight times the numbers of giraffes living in Africa. "The appearance of these beloved animals in stores, in movies, on television, and on a variety of products seems to be deluding the public into believing they are doing okay," Ripple said. "If we don't act in a concerted effort to save these species, that may soon be the only way anyone will see them."
Discuss religion, spirituality when treating young
A majority of young adults with severe mental illness -- bipolar disorder, schizophrenia or major depression -- consider religion and spirituality relevant to their mental health, according to a new study from Baylor University's Diana R. Garland School of Social Work. Holly Oxhandler, Ph.D., associate dean for research and faculty development in the Garland School of Social Work, served as lead author on the study, which was published in the journal Spirituality in Clinical Practice. Researchers examined data from 55 young adults (ages 18-25) with serious mental illness who had used crisis emergency services. Of the 55 young adults interviewed, 34 "mentioned religion or spirituality in the context of talking about their mental health symptoms and service use with little-to-no prompting," researchers wrote. The sample for the study was racially diverse and gender-balanced. Not all of those interviewed considered themselves religious, as 41 percent answered "other," "I don't know" or "none" when asked their religious preference. However, researchers found that religion and spirituality emerged as a unique way in which this sample was able to make sense of their difficult life situations and mental health struggles. "Not only did these young adults struggle with serious mental illness, but they had also experienced extreme adversity -- including abuse, poverty, homelessness, addiction, near-death experiences, loss and an overwhelming lack of access to medical and mental health services," researchers wrote. "Yet, many attempted to explain, make sense of or organize their circumstances through their religious/spiritual perspective and talked about God as a source of comfort and support." The young adults expressed both positive and negative views of God, prayer and support from religious and spiritual communities. Regardless of their views, the important thing to note, Oxhandler explained, is that they're talking about these topics -- something social workers and counselors traditionally are not often equipped or trained to assess or discuss. "It's the elephant in the room," Oxhandler said of discussions of religion and spirituality. "If we continue to ignore it, we're ignoring a huge component of peoples' lives that may be tied to the clinical issue." Oxhandler, who has researched this area extensively, said such discussions can help drive subsequent treatment options. "As mental health care providers discern what mental health services to provide or coping strategies to recommend, it's especially important they understand the role of religion/spirituality in the lives of the vulnerable young adults they serve," she said. Researchers also found that those surveyed described using positive religious coping, negative religious coping or experiences, discussed their relationship with God/Higher Power and unpacked the role of their support systems and faith. Positive religious coping included prayer, reading religious texts, support from their religious and spiritual communities and identifying religious and spiritual meaning in difficult situations. Negative religious coping or experiences included having a negative experience with a religious organization not being supportive or receiving hurtful messages from the religious community. "Those who discussed their relationship with God or a higher power discussed God providing a sense of comfort or protection, accepting them for who they are or positively intervening in their lives," Oxhandler said. "Among those who unpacked the role of their support systems and faith, they often described family and friends referencing religion or God for support, and some even offered recommendations for others struggling with mental illness that involve religion and spirituality." Some of those interviewed shared that they found the mention of God or religion by family and friends less than helpful. For example, a 22-year-old white female with no religious identification mentioned in her interview that a family member "tries to tell me that going to church will be better for me because it will help me find peace, and it really does quite the opposite." Interestingly, researchers noted that nearly all participants who reported negative experiences with religion and spirituality also reported utilizing positive religious and spiritual coping or having a positive relationship with God. Oxhandler said such complexity highlights the importance of including religion and spirituality during the initial assessment with a client. "It's critical that mental health care providers be well equipped and trained to assess for the complex role of religion and spirituality in the lives of young adults with serious mental illness, recognizing that it could appear to be a tremendous source of support and resilience and/or a source of pain and discomfort, if even a part of their lives at all," she said.
Our perceived birth status can affect our ?
Findings appearing in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships show people who believe they resulted from unwanted or unplanned pregnancies tend to have more insecure relationship styles as adults. "You could have learned about your birth status from your parents or sibling, you could have heard it from someone else, or maybe you did the math and figured out your older sister was born just 10 months before you," said Omri Gillath, professor of psychology at the University of Kansas, who headed the research. "I know people who went through such a process and found out they were probably unplanned or unwanted. In the way they behave and talk about their close relationships, it was clear to me that this revelation or knowledge had an impact on how secure and loved they feel as adults." Psychologists refer to the way people think, feel and behave in close relationships as their "attachment style." In the initial study, almost 350 participants completed an online battery of measures, including adult attachment style, and questions regarding their birth status. Two-thirds were women from ages 18-68. Among participants, 56 reported believing they were unwanted babies, 174 reported they were unplanned, and the rest were neither (a control group). After analysis of these measures and questionnaires, the researchers concluded, "being unwanted, and to a lesser extent unplanned, was associated with attachment insecurity (anxiety and avoidance). Birth status and knowledge about it play a role not only in parents' but also children's lives -- affecting their attachment and mental representation into adulthood." "People can be either anxiously attached -- concerned about being abandoned and rejected -- or they can be avoidantly attached -- they try to downplay the importance of close relationship and suppress their emotions. Alternatively, they can be securely attached -- when they feel comfortable or at ease in close relationships and are not worried about trust, dependence or getting too close or not close enough to others," Gillath said. "Attachment style plays a role in romantic relationships but also in people's relationships with siblings, friends and others in one's social orbit." Gillath's co-authors were KU's Jessica Casebier and Melanie Canterberry, along with Gery Karantzas of Deakin University in Australia. The research team conducted three additional studies outlined in the paper with volunteers who were "primed," or exposed to suggestions of an unwanted birth status, and found the subjects thereby felt more insecure in their attachment following this priming procedure. "Though we can't really change someone's birth status, we can simulate the process of revealing that you were unwanted or unplanned -- either because someone told you or you found out yourself," Gillath said. "We tried to create in a lab such a scenario. We asked people to imagine they found out they were unwanted or unplanned, then we measured state attachment, or how they felt at that moment. Even though they were only imagining something that may have happened 20, 30 or 40 years ago, doing that was strong enough to make people feel more insecure." The team also found that feeling unloved by one's romantic partner could generate a similar sense of increased insecurity. "Having such life experiences of feeling unwanted or unplanned increases the chances that people will have concerns and worries regarding trust, closeness and dependence toward relationship partners," Gillath said. "Having this mental image is hanging like a cloud over their heads and may result with higher sensitivity to rejection. This may doom every new relationship to fail." An insecure attachment style might assert itself in different ways within a close relationship, according to the KU researcher. "It could mean that people can't last long in relationships, or they may experience low levels of intimacy and satisfaction," Gillath said. "Insecure people are more likely to engage in extramarital relationships, or be stuck in a vicious cycle of breaking up and getting back together again." Gillath urged caution when informing a child or even an adult child of their birth status -- if it's unwanted or unplanned -- as this could have more serious outcomes than parents expect. "We often tend to assume that whatever happened in the past isn't going to be as important at present and time heals everything -- people will simply go on with their lives," he said. "For this specific type of event, we found this isn't the case. This is something that lingers even as people grow up and become adults and is affecting current relationships in a negative way. If you tell your child, even as an adult, it may have consequences -- and you should try and figure out ways to provide support so that any negative effects of the information would be buffered."
Students' social skills flourish best in groups.
Research shows that the behavior of the people you most spend time with can affect your own behavior, for better or worse. Now, researchers at the University of Missouri have found that children who need assistance improving their social skills might benefit more when grouped with peers who have similar social skill levels, rather than with peers who have a similar disability or disorder. "We know that how you group children together in an intervention situation matters immensely," said Janine Stichter, professor of special education at the MU College of Education. "However, we have to consider what types of groups work better than others and create the best positive behavior outcomes." Stichter and her team worked with nearly 300 students with varying social disorders across 34 middle schools to test what conditions make group-based social interventions more effective. Current practices are often ineffective, she says, because children are conveniently grouped together by matching class schedules or similar disorders. Stichter found that grouping by disability or disorder is less successful at creating positive behavior changes than grouping children by similar social abilities. "One child might have difficulties looking people in the face, while another might have issues staying on topic," Stichter said. "However, if they both are at the level where they can interact and realize they have behaviors that need to be corrected, they can communicate effectively and help each other in a group setting. They essentially learn together." For example, it might not be ideal to form groups made up solely of children on the autism spectrum. Instead, it could be more beneficial for children's development to group them with others who have similar social abilities but have a wide array of challenges. "Social skills aren't just about friendship. It's about being able to react to and thrive in your environment," Stichter said. "That's why families and practitioners have this drive to help children as early and as effectively as we possibly can. If we're not taking the time to match children with the correct interventions, then we run the risk of wasting time and possibly hampering their development."
Love An Empath
For many, “empath” means supernatural people that can take on the abilities and thoughts of people around them. When it comes to pop culture, especially science fiction, this is usually how they are portrayed. In real life, this isn’t that far off (minus the whole supernatural part). Empaths are just highly sensitive individuals, in tuned to the emotions and feelings around them. Every cashier at a store, person at the bank, or customer they have to interact with at work leaves some sort of impression. If that person is hurting, an empath will suddenly feel like they’re hurting. If they are angry, empaths get angry for seemingly no reason at all. It is a rollercoaster depending on the people they come into contact with which can leave them feeling constantly drained or tired. For people who don’t operate on that level of sensitivity it can come across as though empaths are just overly introverted, but it goes much deeper than that. Not every empath is an introvert. Where introversion is having your energy depleted by interactions with other people, being an empath means experiencing specific emotions and feelings on a mental, emotional, and sometimes even physical level. This makes them susceptible to the effects of these feelings such as depression, body aches, anxiety attacks, or food, sex, and alcohol binges that can’t be explained. This means an empath has to be even more intentional about self-care than the average person. For someone who loves an empath all of that can be very difficult to understand. Loving an empath means knowing that events where there will be big groups of people take a significant toll on them. Being surrounded by people means an empath will be taking in all of the emotions and feelings each of those people are experiencing. It’s like being in a room surrounded by TVs that are all playing different stations without a way to control any of them. That office party or family gathering is a barrage to the senses of an empath, leaving them feeling exhausted. Loving an empath also means understanding that there will be times they don’t know how to explain what they’re feeling. With so much information being taken in, it’ll sometimes be hard to verbalize it. They’ll feel things and have no idea why or where it came from. This is not always a part of their lives they can control. Even time and training doesn’t guarantee that an empath will not sometimes get overwhelmed; while it can be managed, it may not ever be fully mastered. Loving an empath means being sympathetic to the fact they’ll unwillingly attract toxicity into their lives. They’re naturally good listeners, caring, and giving which makes them targets for hurt and dysfunction. People will come to them looking for advice, a shoulder to cry on, or just someone to vent to and they’ll feel obligated to be there. It’s very common to find empaths in relationships with narcissistic or dramatic people because empaths care so much about the people around them. Being able to see these unhealthy relationships and steering them away from them will be one of the greatest things you can do to love an empath. Loving an empath means accepting you’ll not be able to hide things from them. They’re essentially human polygraphs meaning if you aren’t being honest, an empath will know, even if they can’t pinpoint exactly about what. Their sensitivity to the energy around them means subtle things that most people miss will be obvious to them. Your body language, the inflection in your voice, and other nonverbal cues will all be apparent. It’s especially important to understand this before getting romantically involved with an empath. For some, your guardedness or half-truths will not necessarily be a deal breaker, particularly if they can identify the root. For others, being romantic with a person that isn’t being transparent with them will be exhausting and they’ll quickly break off the relationship. Loving an empath means allowing them alone time to process. One of the ways an empath centers and focuses is to get away and shut off the flow of information. They’ll need to go on a hike, or go see a movie, or just go sit in a coffee shop to process through the feelings they’re experiencing, including their own. It doesn’t mean they’re cutting you out, it’s just a way of controlling what they’re taking in. Loving an empath will be one of the most fulfilling relationships you’ll ever be in, if you let it. Empaths are the type of people that’ll always be there for you; they’ll understand what you’re feeling, know what you need, and be able to give you the support you’re looking for. However, it also means being as transparent with yourself as you’ll have to be with them. Empaths genuinely want what is best for everyone around them and will do whatever it takes to make that happen. It will be a relationship, romantic or not, that will make you grow as a person and while it may be challenging at first, it will be one of the most honest relationships you’ll ever have.
How You Love A Damaged Person
Loving a damaged person is absorbing their poison and hoping it ends before you’ll lie dead on the ground. It’s saving someone while you’re losing yourself in the process. It’s never knowing whether what’s between you is real or not. It’s being stuck in a loop of mind games, never figuring out when will they come to an end. You get consumed by their darkness, depriving you of oxygen, and they become the only thing you can breathe. They will give you just enough of themselves to hang on there, to stay close. They won’t let you go because deep down they need you, but they won’t give you any more of themselves because they know how powerful feelings may be. This is not the kind of love you see in movies, nor is it romantic in any way. It’s not the story of two people who fall in love with each other, go out on exquisite dates, text all day, and open their hearts to one another during midnight calls. It’s not spontaneous adventures and sweet “miss you” notes. It’s not the live version of Ed Sheeran songs. No. Loving a damaged person is one of the hardest, bravest things you could ever go through. It’s a series of battles that will change you forever, battles few are strong enough to endure. Loving a damaged person requires rivers of patience and oceans of love. It’s fighting for someone who’s only half present, half available. Someone who keeps your relationship undefined, someone who locks their feelings in a valve with no keys. It’s climbing the walls they’ve built around themselves, and never quite reaching the top. It’s desperately shouting out for them to open up, as they dive deeper into themselves as you approach. It’s being sent mixed signals because they want you, yet they fear you. They fear the feeling that still haunts them from the past, the feeling of being hurt, the feeling of being left behind. And they realize that this feeling only comes from being vulnerable, from opening up to people, from making them see the real you, the person you are trying to hide behind your shallow skin. That’s why they have mastered ways to protect themselves from getting hurt. The smell of betrayal still lingers on their door, and whatever you do and no matter how much you try, it seems impossible to prove to them that you’re not like the rest, that you will never leave them, that your love is stronger than any force in this world. Because staying with a damaged person requires all the love you could possibly have. It’s a win or loses the game. In the end, it’s either winning the war or losing everything; including yourself. Loving a damaged person is self-destruction, it’s agony, it’s toxin running all through your body, it’s 2 AM tears all over your pillow; it’s simply hell on Earth. You are sent on a mission to slowly peel their shield, layer by layer, and part by part. To slowly melt their heart. It might take you months to make cracks in the iceberg they have inhabited, and years to touch their soul. It’s a task meant only to the strong-willed, to the patient, to the ones who know how to love unconditionally, because the truth is, loving someone who has been hurt is caring for them while expecting anything in return. Loving a damaged person is a war, a war few are ready to fight, that’s why they are often left alone. They seem to us like strong independent people who need no one, but inside they are the most vulnerable beings needing a hand to hold and a soul to understand. Damaged people crave love more than anything else, yet they run from it at its very sight. They want an emotional connection, yet every time they try to establish one, ghosts of their past start haunting them, carrying images of the pain they had to endure. They push you away, yet secretly hope you would still insist on staying. Damaged people are so full of love, and that’s exactly why they’re so afraid to fall in it. They are people who have learned to put themselves first because they are tired of giving their all to the ones who’ll eventually leave. They have been through the darkest tunnels of life and have witnessed what it means to stand alone on the edge of the world with no hand to hold as the winds get stronger. They have seen the devils in those who wore angel disguise, and now have a hard time trusting faces. They have been in stories no one will ever hear about, they have stayed awake on nights their mind would wonder to the forbidden places. They know what it took them to make it here, and they are not willing to allow anyone to hurt them again. That’s why, if you choose to love a damaged person, you have to be patient with them, you have to be delicate, you have to make the first step too many times, and most importantly, you must have real feelings for them, feelings that will endure the challenges of time, the battles awaiting you, the storms approaching the coast of your heart. And the tragedy is that in a world full of options and opportunities, in a world where most roads are smoothly paved, few will ever choose the rigid path to a damaged person’s heart.
Triangular Theory of Love
Psychologist Robert Sternberg proposed a triangular theory suggesting that there are three components of love: Intimacy Passion Commitment Different combinations of these three components result in different types of love. For example, combining intimacy and commitment results in companionate love, while combining passion and intimacy leads to romantic love. According to Sternberg, relationships built on two or more elements are more enduring than those based on a single component. Sternberg uses the term consummate love to describe combining intimacy, passion, and commitment. While this type of love is the strongest and most enduring, Sternberg suggests that this type of love is rare.
Lee’s 6 Styles of Loving
Three primary styles: 1. Eros – Loving an ideal person 2. Ludos – Love as a game 3. Storge – Love as friendship Three secondary styles: 1. Mania (Eros + Ludos) – Obsessive love 2. Pragma (Ludos + Storge) – Realistic and practical love 3. Agape (Eros + Storge) – Selfless love